劉曉偉老師—中考英語寫作精彩點評與修改（二）

　　中考英語作文題二（同第一題，另一個學(xué)生寫的。大家借鑒一下�。�

　　五晚你父母都出去了，只有爺爺和你在家，你在客廳里看電視而爺爺在他屋里看報紙。突然你聽到爺爺屋里有什么動靜，當(dāng)你推開房門，驚訝地發(fā)現(xiàn)爺爺正躺在地上，失去了知覺。于是你立即撥打了120。然后讓爺爺平躺，打開了窗戶。就在這時醫(yī)生來了。一位醫(yī)生說你做的對，救了爺爺?shù)拿�。請根�?jù)提示以"An Unforgettable Night"為題，寫一篇80字左右的短文。
　　I had a experience of helping others to save his life. (I had an experience of saving one’s life.) It was my grandfather.

　　Last Friday, my dad and mom went out, only my grandfather and I being at home. (最好用狀語從句代替幾個簡單句,可以改成: Last Friday, my parents went out when my grandfather and I were staying at home.) I watched TV at home and my grangfather read newspaper in his room. (時態(tài)有問題. 兩個人同時做某事,可以用while引導(dǎo)的時間狀語從句,可以改成: I was watching TV while my grandfather was reading newspaper in his room.) Suddenly, I heard any strange sound from the room of my grandfather. (Suddenly I heard a strange sound coming from the room of my grandfather.) I push the door and discovered my grandfather was lying in the ground, he already lose his consciousness. (1. 時態(tài)錯誤push 應(yīng)該用pushed. 2.用詞不當(dāng)discover 表示”發(fā)現(xiàn)了存在了很久的東西”, 如果是這樣的話, 爺爺早就歸天了. 所以改成found 更好一些. 小詞大詞都有用, 關(guān)鍵是恰到好處. 3.后一個句子可以寫成定語從句.who had lost his consciousness, 整句話可以改成: I pushed the door and found my grandfather lying on the ground, who had lost his consciousness.) I'm very nervous. Then I called 120. (兩個簡單句不能用逗號“，”連接，可以合并句子：Though nervous, I immediately called 120.) And helped my grandfather lied well, I also opened the window. (合并句子：Then I helped my grandfather lie on the sofa and opened the window.) At this moment, the doctor arrived. He said I did well ,I saved my grandfather's life. (合并句子：When the doctor arrived, he praised for what I had done for my grandfather.)
　　By this matter, I have understood that I also could help people. (概括能力需要加強(qiáng)：I have learned from the accident that everyone has the ability to help others if one tries to do so.)

　　曉偉點評：
　　總體寫的不錯，說一下急需改進(jìn)的地方：
　　1.幾個簡單句意思表達(dá)比較零散，不如用復(fù)合句緊湊。

　　2.兩個簡單句不能用逗號“，”連接。

　　3.語法錯誤：時態(tài)前后不一致。

　　4.文章主題的概括能力有待加強(qiáng)。
查看原帖：http://bbs.eduu.com/thread-155729-1-2.html